To Kiss An Idol

62 The Flashback – The Sad Happiness

That night I could not sleep at all. Emotions after emotions were wearing me out. I was scared, I was angry, I was worried, I was concerned, I was even happy at times and then that happiness would vanish when I would recall Ritvik’s words about the child’s future.

Why was I living in such a conservative society? Why couldn’t I give birth to this child without any fear of judgement or his future? I was weak, I was a coward, I was a moron. I really wish that I had the courage at that time to become a mother and raise a child on my own without thinking about the society. But I crumbled before societal pressure, and I am ashamed of it.

The next morning, I took a leave from my office, and we went to a hospital. I went inside but he waited outside in the hospital’s garden. I told the doctor everything and said that I wanted the abortion. Without asking any personal questions, the doctor just asked me if I was absolutely sure that I wanted to abort the child and I replied yes.

That was it. First, the doctor did all the tests to make sure I was really pregnant. The test came positive again. I was prepped for the process. And after hours, I was baby free. I was not pregnant anymore. I was not going to be a mother. I spent some time in the hospital due to anaesthesia, but he never came in. He never checked on me.

I never wanted him to smother me with his love and care but still, I needed someone for moral support. Hospitals are already scary and going to the hospital to get a procedure done is scarier. All I wanted him to do was stand with me and tell me that everything will be alright. Was that too much to ask?

The doctor came with all the reports and gave me a clean bill of health. Now, I could walk out on my own. I paid the bill and walked out. I was not in any pain but was weak due to anaesthesia. It was almost evening. I went outside and looked for him, but he was nowhere to be found.

As last resort, I had to call him. He told me that he went back home after waiting for me for hours. He came back urgently, and we took a cab back home.

I don’t know if I was numb due to the anaesthetic, or if I was completely empty of emotions, but I was not angry at him for leaving me alone at such a time. I was in the hospital and instead of being there for me, he went back home. Still, I felt nothing for him.

That night I didn’t eat or drink. I just slept. Well, not even slept, I lay on the bed like a log. My pillow was wet due to crying. But not even a single sob came out of my mouth. He was laying next to me. In some other scenario, I would have wanted him to hold me while I cry but that night, I didn’t even want to look at him.

.....

All I could think about was how I killed a child before he could even see the world. I know I am an idiot. It didn’t even have a heartbeat at that time but in my eyes, he was a cute kid playing in my arms. Now, I won’t get to see that kid, ever, because I killed it. I didn’t even give it a chance to have a heartbeat.

Another day came and I was still laying like a log in the bed. He prepared breakfast but I was not in the mood to eat. I just kept my eyes closed and kept my mouth shut. That day I received a ton of messages from my office friends asking me to come to the office but never told me why. I just mailed everyone that I was not feeling well and needed another day of rest.

The messages kept coming the whole day. My phone kept buzzing with messages and emails saying that they have something to tell me and that I needed to come to the office the next day.

Somehow, I got up from the bed, dressed in my professional attire and made my way to the office. It was two days since I ate anything. As soon as I reached the office everyone could tell that something was wrong. They thought that I was still ill. They asked me whether I went to a doctor and I said yes.

Technically it was true. I did go to see a doctor. But the reason was completely different.

Before I could take my seat, my boss approached me and handed me a letter. A sweet smile was playing on her face. I looked around, everyone was smiling at me. I opened the letter and read it. I could not believe my eyes. The promotion I was waiting for so long, I got it. I was promoted to head content writer, now, I would not work in a team, I would head a team of content writers and copywriters.

I covered my face with my palms and broke down crying. I just killed a person, I didn’t deserve good news in my life. Everyone thought that I was so happy, and I cried due to happiness, but the truth was very different. My team came and hugged me and consoled me.

I wanted to tell them everything and scream out loud what I did. But my mouth was sealed. I just thanked my boss and kept reading my promotion letter. I even got a 15% hike in my salary. I should be happy. Why was I not happy? I coveted that promotion for long, I worked hard for it, but all looked futile at that time.

Blaming all at kismet, I came back home. He was watching a movie on his laptop. I sat next to him and showed him the letter. He read the letter and his face fell.

“What happened, Vik? Finally, I get some good news after all the tragedies in my life, so why are you feeling bad?” I asked.

“You had to rub it in, right?” he shouted at me.

“I beg your pardon,” I was shocked.

“I don’t have a job. I am living on your money. I am unemployed. If it would not have been for you, I would be homeless and now you throw that piece of paper in my face. How selfish could you be?” he shouted.

“What the hell are you talking about? I just wanted to share a good thing in my life with you,” I protested.

“Oh, so I am not the good thing in your life. Now, your job comes before me? You know I have been working hard on my book. I achieve nothing and you go and get a promotion,” he pouted.”

“Are you mad? What do you mean I went and got a promotion? I have been working hard to get that promotion whereas you have not even tried writing a single word for your book. How is that my fault?” I shouted at him. My anger was slowly coming to the surface.

“I can’t even talk to you right now,” he said and instantly went to the bedroom. He packed his bags and ran away from there.

I never even tried to stop him. I just had my dinner and went to bed. I could not sleep at all. The whole night I could hear the cries of a new born baby. It was a complete nightmare. I tossed and turned the whole night.

The next morning, I didn’t want to get out of my bed. But I was promoted so now I could not take any more leaves. I had to go to work. I never tried to search for him or tried to contact him where he went. I concentrated on my work after that. But I knew I was depressed. My focus was lost. New ideas avoided me like I was a leper. My work became dull. My team started doubting my potential.

After some five or six days, Ritvik called me out of the blue to apologise again and to tell me that he went back home to talk to his parents about us. But by then, I didn’t care about it anymore. I cared about nothing in the world anymore. Nothing piqued my interest anymore. I was clinically depressed.

Days went by. I never called him. He would call me. Some days I would pick up his call and some days I won’t. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, but Ritvik didn’t return. To tell you the truth, I didn’t care about it anymore.

Then one day, the unthinkable happened. He called me and I picked up the phone. Some movie was playing on my laptop, and I was having dinner. What did I cook, I have no idea. By then I could not even taste my food. Everything was tasteless. Everything was colourless.

“Hmm,” I picked up the phone.

“Ritz! I... I just wanted to tell you that I talked to my parents about us,” his voice streamed in.

“Okay,” I said stoically. I had no emotions left in me.

“They said... they said...”