To Live Again, For the First Time!

Emilin's POV:

When I woke up, I felt more tired than when I had first gone to sleep. I felt like I had just run a marathon with a bear chasing me all the way. It was indescribable. My body didn't feel well-rested, much less my mind. ​​

I grunted in discomfort trying to go back to sleep, not caring about the fact that I still had school. I felt like I had sunk deeper into my bed with every passing second. When my eyes try to open at all, all I could see was a blur, making my head hurt even more than it had previously.

What seemed like a few seconds later, I felt myself being lifted from my bed. I wanted to protest a little, but as I tried to open my mouth, I realized that I could barely even part my lips.

***

I have to squint my eyes as they open and the first thing, I see is my mother by my bedside. I didn't even have time to question the fact that this was not my bed, which was duly noticed due to the discomfort of the sheets.

Mom looked like she had pulled all-nighters. Her eye bags were more prominent and her eyes were slightly swollen.

"What's wrong mom?" I had never seen her like this before, not even when… well, let's not talk about that.

"Oh baby, I'm so glad you're okay." I was relieved to see her relieved. But I had to note down that I had put down my guard too soon when I heard what followed.

"YOU'RE ASKING ME WHAT'S WRONG! I should be asking you that! We hear little Theo calling your name all the way from the kitchen and when we get to your room all we see is Theo carrying you out while on the phone with the ambulance. Do you know how worried we were when we saw your soaked sheets! You were sweating like a pig." Sometimes I do question if mom is bipolar, but I know that she just loves us too much. Her unpredictability is part of her person by now.

Her worry fills my heart with both warmth and worries of my own. I'm worried about making her worried and she gets worried when I stress. What a vicious cycle made of love and care.

I just don't want her to be that scared ever again, but I also yearn for the care she gives me, the love that everyone sprinkles me with. The cost is no longer relevant, I can no longer let any of it go.

This too was something that was no longer an option.

I pulled mom into an embrace. I seemed to have used a little too much force. Mom was patting me in the back lightly signally for me to loosen up, but I didn't want to let go just yet.

Then, from who knows where dad and Theo joined in.

"I'm so glad you're awake," Dad said, his voice nearing a whisper. The phrasing of his statement seemed a little off.

"How long was I asleep?" I asked.

"Around 12 hours. It's already 7 PM now." This time it was big brother Theo that answered. I wanted to laugh. In the past two days, the time I spent sleeping seemed to overwhelm the time I was awake.

Yet I still felt exhausted.

We talked for a while and dad informed me that the doctors said it was just a normal fever that might have been caused by a small virus or any other reasons really. They wanted me to properly rest for the next few days as my fever had yet to completely subside. I hadn't even noticed, which was weirding me out.

Brother stayed a while longer and left me my computer and other necessities. When he left, I was alone again with my thoughts.

I just wanted to know what led me to this stage. If it was the nightmares again. Because at that point, I would have become an unwilling participant in a silent psychological warfare that I wasn't exactly aware of. I wasn't unaware either, but I still didn't know what this was about.

Multiple scenarios ran through my mind, yet none of them seemed right.

Was it really something that unimaginable? Or did I just not want to imagine it?

WHAT WAS IT!

Forcing it wasn't going to work, but I didn't want to get sick again for a reason that I wasn't ever going to be fully aware of. It was just so frustrating.

The following days all passed similarly. I was discharged 2 days after the hospitalization and so I spent the days at home. Most of the time I was working remotely as I usually do with a few of my projects.

Then came the day that I had long forgotten. Exactly one week after the date of my birthday. It was at night, the time was the same as when I had first muted all my work-related communication channels.

What first alerted me was the constant buzzing of my phone from the notifications. I was too tired to check, but they would only keep piling up if I didn't.

Just the numbers on the top of my email icon were already giving me a headache. I didn't even want to start on anything else.

I started by skimming some of the messages and news articles, but most of them were just more of the same. Then I moved on to Xander's messages.

He was one of my associates from the International Medical and Procedural Association (IMPA), which is such an unnecessarily long and complicated name that can just be shorted to the Medical Association at this point. Adding International, only if absolutely need be. I mean, procedural. Really?

Well back to his ongoing list of messages. As I read his messages, I was also making a live commentary in my head.

7 days ago

Xander: [MASTER!]

'I don't really know how, but it somehow spread that M stood for Master... Now, while most people just termed me as M, there were still some that could call me Master. It was a strange experience at first, I mean I'm pretty sure they are imagining an old man. At first, they wanted to call me Old Master, but then Theo who was known as TWO, informed them that I was younger than they had imagined me to be.'

'Well, even then they would never get to my real age or gender. Normally I might be upset to have my gender assumed, but this time it was a good thing. I had my identity hidden under another layer. It was honestly probably due to my attitude and personality when it came to this work.'

Xander: [Master! How come you didn't tell me before posting another one of your research projects? ( ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥)]

'Really crying emoji? Gosh, Xander really loves being dramatic.'

Xander: [You're making big waves again! How do you come up with these reports, throwing them out like they are cabbages found on the streets!]

'Does it really look like that? So far I've only released the reports for the procedures that cure less known, but lethal, illnesses that currently had no cure. There were many considerations for this decision.'

'First, lethal ones because that's how you get people to feel indebted. Ones with no cure because those are the ones that make people most desperate, most enough to have those people actively seek for a solution.'

'Even if they don't, when they find out there is a cure, they will definitely seek out who came up with the procedure. As for the less-known part... well, I guess if it's less well known and fewer people are infected, the ones who are will be more desperate. Fewer people are looking for the cure and so they can only rely on my procedure.'

'Yes. Definitely not because I don't want to deal with the extra trouble. Right, I'm giving these helpless people hope.'

Xander: [I don't even want to ask how you made this procedure to cure SMT]

'Please don't. I don't know either, it's all just up here. I wouldn't be able to tell you even if I wanted to. I'm not even sure what timeline I was in, in the past. So many of the diseases that inflict people now had been long cured, yet there were still no shortages of illnesses in that timeline. I don't even know if that place was a completely different world. I'm almost as lost as you are.'

'Though I say it's all in my head. (Well think, not like I'm actually saying any of this, wait, is it normal for me to have so many commentaries and conversations in my head? Eh? it should be fine), even if I didn't already know it, I would still be confident that I could find a cure, just not as easily. What a nice ego boost.'

Xander: [The doctors here are already testing your procedure. They even stopped bothering to spend those extra days in the laboratory for the simulated tests. They never worked anyways. As for the patients, after hearing that it was a procedure guaranteed by 'M' they also quickly accepted. Most of the family of the patients had long been doing research in the medical field to find a possibility of a cure. This opportunity to them was a god sent]

'That was the idea.'

6 days ago

Xander: [Has 2 sent you the patients list already?]

'Hmm. I should probably remind him to do that later.'

Xander: [Should I send the committee your regards?]

'Sure.'

Xander: [Are you going to ghost them for a month again? Didn't we agree that you wouldn't ignore these matters again??]

'No, just a week.'

5 days ago

Xander: [I already told the committee that the M just wants them to remember this occasion and that the credits, as well as reports, can be saved for a later date.]

'Well, how efficient.'

There were a few more lose messages here and there, none of which were very important. Emilin had to spend a few hours tying up some loose ends. Not forgetting to send Theo a message about the list of the early patients.

I still had to think for a bit, but in the end, I still decided to ask Xander about the matter that had been bothering me.

M: [How should I deal with the possibility of PTSD?]

Xander: [Master, you're back! Wow, only a one-week leave?]

Xander: [Wait. PTSD? Do you have PTSD? What happened? You said possibility. Does that mean it's someone you know? You're not sure if this person has PTSD or not?]

M: [Just answer the question.]

'It would take way too long to explain. Plus there was also no need for that, I did want it to be somewhat objective.'

Xander: [I would say to go to therapy, but since Master is asking about this matter then it must be more complicated than that. If they are unwilling to get a therapist, then they should probably spend more time with family and friends that can comfort them.]

'No duh, E for effort.'

M: [Try again.]

Xander: [… I guess if that doesn't work either then they might want to take a break. Going traveling, meeting some new people, and breathing in some fresh air somewhere far from where they might have had this traumatic experience. Especially doing something they enjoy would also probably be helpful.]

'That... doesn't sound half bad.'

M: [okay.]

I had to ponder on that thought for a while longer. Though I'm probably already far enough from the location, and also the time of the incident, Xander's other suggestions are still reliable.

I have yet to ever travel by myself and this new life had to be lived to its fullest. Nonetheless, I still hesitated. This would be the first time I wouldn't be with my family since the beginning of this new life.

After some internal debacles, I had to firm my heart. I should talk about it with mom and dad first, if they're okay with it, then I should also be going on my own journey. I've already had 15 years of love.

The best 15 years of my life, that I wouldn't trade for anything. The attachment was undeniable and slightly unhealthy.

I was walking the thin line between attachment and obsession. There were still moments where I had to take some time for myself. Exploring more about myself and this world, and hopefully, when I get back, I can bring back a better me. One that won't need my family to worry about my health, physical or otherwise.

I stood up and headed to the kitchen where I could hear both mom and dad talking with Theo.